Hey everybody!

I exist!!! I hope you'll forgive me for the lack of updates. It's been an incredibly chaotic couple of weeks. I promise to update soon with news of our childbirth classes, the latest prenatal visits, one of our baby showers, how the house is coming along, and coming to the realization that I'm 8+ months pregnant and I can't do what I think I should be able to do. We are OK, but incredibly stressed. Just hanging in here trying to get stuff done. Thanks to all who've expressed concern. :)

A Few Good Pics

Extended entry contains some pics from the last couple weeks. All can be embiggened by clicking.

Here's me and my belly taken about 2 weeks ago.

Here's the Rock Star enjoying his Father's Day present (our first gas grill).

Here's Little relaxing with her pillow.

Dear CEO

Dear CEO of a large and formerly respected corporation:

I'm sure it's easy to sit in your nice office and draw red lines through budgets without ever having to see the human faces whose lives you're wreaking havoc on. Please don't trouble yourself over the fact that your corporate cost cutting tactics of sending people's jobs overseas where labor is cheaper will cause us hardship and worry in the last six weeks of our pregnancy. By all means continue to sit comfortably on your millions, while my husband worries about how to make a living for us. Not like he has anything else on his mind right now, like remodeling the house or the death of our dog or the pressure of trying to keep a hormonal pregnant wife from completely freaking out. For the amount that you probably spend on golf or other leisurely pursuits in a year, we were modestly getting by. But don't you worry, sir, your leisure time won't be interrupted. It's clear you have no conscience whatsoever to trouble you.

You and the shareholders can take your huge salary and their precious dividends and shove them up your asses. That'll be a good place to keep them, because what goes around comes around. At whatever point in this business trend you all realize you won't have corporate profits if Americans don't have jobs, is the point that I can only hope you realize what fuck-ups you are. Your short sightedness is truly impressive. I'm naive to think you'll ever realize the errors of your ways, but how I wish I could be there to see your face if you ever do. Shareholder value is not the ONLY value a company should be run on. A company's real value is as an employer of Americans and a manufacturer of quality goods. Those values are important to the future well-being of millions of us normal folks, just trying to make a living and carry out our small American Dreams.

So you be sure to have a real nice day, Mr. CEO. Don't trouble yourself over the little people. We'll figure out a way to get by, just as we always have. You're the one who has to live with yourself, and I'd take my conscience over yours any day. I'm clean and guilt free in the ruining people's lives for no good reason category. Too bad for you, you can't say the same thing.

Sincerely,

The Procrastinatrix

p.s. You're a fucker and I hope your toes rot and fall off.

What The Hell am I Crying For?

I just received gifts off of our baby registry from a client. and started crying. This is a nice woman, who has nice dogs and she asked me several times where the baby was registered. I tried hard to demure, because I don't want my clients to feel as if I was soliciting them for gifts, but she insisted and I relented and now I'm crying over onesies and a changing pad. The generosity of people is amazing to me. Over the last week I've also received several heartfelt cards, notes and even flowers from people who knew Big and how much she meant to me. Honestly, I don't know how I'm going to get anything done between the crying and the sleeping...ACK!

Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy...NOT!!!!

Don't read the extended entry. Seriously. I've been trying to blog the last couple days and all I can come up with is a list of everything I feel bitchy about. There is no cheer here. Turn back. You have been warned.

It's hot here and our air conditioner (one room only) is not keeping up. I am getting bigger and bigger and I can only stay on my feet about 10 minutes at a time and then need to sit for awhile. I can't get a damn thing done. I miss my dog so fucking much it's a constant hurt in my heart. Half my clients (the humans, not the dogs) are assholes and the other half are morons. My husband is working himself sick plumbing. My fingers are swollen and feel like sausages. All I want to do is sleep. Heart burn feels like it's ripping my guts out no matter what I eat, or don't eat. I have a million things to do and can't bring myself to do anything. I'm sad and cranky and tired. I wonder if I'll ever feel energetic and capable again? Believe it or not there's more, but even I'm sick of hearing myself bitch...

You're Swell

To those of you who stop by on a regular basis, just thought I'd say, "Thanks!!!". We've really, really appreciated all the kind comments and warm thoughts on our behalf since losing Big. We both feel very sad and talk a lot about the things we miss with our big girl gone. And we're processing the horror of watching her deteriorate so badly over the last several weeks.

With the house torn apart for remodeling, Big being gone and a couple of other crisis' of various proportions, we are definitely experiencing what No Name Yet termed "Third Trimester Insanity".

I just wanted to say that we're doing ok. My entrys of late have been laden with sadness, but I'll be ok. It takes time to process grief and unfortunately, I'm very experienced with the process. We are very much looking forward to the birth of our son, and without that I don't know how I would cope. But whatever happens I know we'll be alright. We have a home, we have a great family and we have friends who love us. We still have one kitty and one dog to love and soon we'll have a bouncing baby boy to care for. And we have each other. It's all gonna be alright.

Thanks again to all of you who've commented and sent emails, and to those who haven't. It's been a comfort knowing about all the kind people out there, who have compassion for our situation.

Cuz Suzy Dared Me...

Here's a meme...something I've rarely done, but I gave her (Suzy) a pretty hard time on hers, so I have to at least give her the chance to retaliate.

If you want to play along, answer the following questions in the comments:

1. Who are you?
2. We never met, but would you like to?
3. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
4. Describe me in one word.
5. What reminds you of me?
6. If you could give me anything, what would it be?
7. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
8. Are you going to put this on your weblog and see what I say about you?
9. What do you love like a fat kid loves cake?
10. What makes you come back here?

I'm a Real Charmer, eh?

So I took this personality test, cuz I'm way too depressed to think of anything else to blog about. I can't argue with any of the following results. Go figure...

Wackiness: 60/100
Rationality: 70/100
Constructiveness: 34/100
Leadership: 30/100

You are a WRDF--Wacky Rational Destructive Follower. This makes you a hacker. Your thirst for knowledge can be damaging to your possessions--you like to take things apart, even if you then forget to put them back together. You demand respect and, no matter how much you are respected, seldom feel it is adequate. You are tenacious, and will stick to a task long after weaker minds have given it up.

Socially, you are awkward, and get into arguments and make people uncomfortable. One recommends counting to ten, holding back comments unless warranted, and listening more than speaking. Still, your no-holds-barred approach to socialization can be strangely endearing, as long as you are funny and self-deprecating.

You feel misunderstood, and you probably are.

Click here to take the personality test and find out you are way nicer than me! Snagged from Natalieville, who I think is swell.

She's Gone

Yesterday afternoon Big collapsed while outside for a potty. My husband had to carry her back in the house, and we knew we couldn't wait any longer. We found a vet that was open and they were able to give us a 5:30 appt. to euthanize her. My sister and Brother in Law came over to help us get her in the car. We brought her bed and she rested comfortably on the way. The staff was very kind and waited till we had her settled on her bed in a private room. We had several minutes alone with her, then the doctor came and it was over very quickly. My heart is broken, but my precious baby is past all the discomfort she was in. There are huge empty spots in our home now.

Holding Pattern

We're in a very difficult holding pattern here. My poor Big is so sick and tired and barely has the strength to get up and go outside a few times a day. I have an appointment for her with Oncologists Tuesday morning. I keep telling her to hold on til then. I don't seriously hold out hopes for Chemo being the right course in this case, but I have to at least talk to them about it and find out what might be gained from it. If we don't do Chemo, I know there's a drug called Prednisone which may stimulate her appetite and then she would feel better for awhile. The problem is waiting days between each damn appointment and this fucking holiday weekend means an extra day.

First thing Tuesday morning I'm doing two things. One is to contact a mobile vet that Big's regular doctor recommends. and the other is to set up the soonest possible appointment at her regular vet to get her started on Prednisone, if we don't do Chemo. When we go to the Oncologist, I'll make my decision about Chemo right there, based on any idea they can give me about how it will affect her quality of life and how much longer it's likely to help her live. If I decide against Chemo, then I'll ask the oncologist if he can prescribe the prednisone to help make her more comfortable for a while. If he won't then if my regular vet appointment is within a day, I'll get them to do the prednisone treatment.

The mobile vet is for Euthanasia. I don't want her last moments to be in a doctors office. I want her to be relaxed and comfortable at home. I can't bear the thought of loading her in the car and making her use her precious energy to go into a strange, scary place to die. No. She'll be lieing right here on her bed and I'll be with her. I don't think she's quite ready to go yet, so we'll wait this 3 day weekend out and on Tuesday we may have some hope for her comfort or I'll have the vet come and take her away from her discomfort.

Most times I think I'm all cried out, but then I think about what life will be like without her and I break down again. I was so excited about her meeting the baby. I wanted to take pictures of my huge first baby with my new little baby. She's the sweetest, gentlest dog. I wanted to see them together.

Friday

News of the day:

* Tues. 7/6 is the soonest I can get in with the oncology department to discuss Big's options. Gonna be a long weekend.

* I had to remove my wedding ring and engagement ring last night cuz my fingers are swelling up. It was the first time that my wedding ring has left my finger since my husband placed it there on our wedding day nearly 2 years ago. My hand feels very wierd without it. I put the rings in the original case on my desk for now. I'm too scared to wear them on a necklace. Losing them would break my heart.

* Something funny: Night before last, the Rock Star and I were sitting on the couch watching a movie. My belly was uncovered, cuz I was hot. The Porn Star was practicing Tae Kwon Do or something in there cuz we could see his movements rippling across my belly. It was the first time we'd seen this and we were just sitting there amazed and freaked out. Here comes the funny part. The husband looks at me incredulously and says, "Wow, can you feel that?". I just laughed and laughed. It was so funny. Of course, I can feel the Jackie Chan fight scene re-enactment going on in the midst of my bladder, bowels, stomach and lungs. Of course he knew I could feel it, we were both just so amazed by it that he said the first thing that came into his mind. Boys are funny, aren't they?

Thursday

Got to the U Vet Hospital at 8:00 am this morning. They took Big back immediately to put a catheter in her leg, then brought her back to me and we waited til her Ultrasound appointment at 11:00 am. Then the Dr. came out to tell me the findings. He was waiting til he got the results back from the aspirate that they did of her liver but said it looked like cancer and it was all through her liver. and could be seen around other organs as well. We took her home, and waited for the final results and he called around 6:30 to say it was definately cancer in her liver and throughout her abdomen. Not operable. I'll talk to her regular vets tomorrow and make an appointment with the oncology department at the U to discuss possible chemo and prognosis, but the outlook is pretty bad. It's far advanced. I'll be looking to preserve as much quality of life as I can for as long as I can and I won't know how long that is til I talk to them. Could be 2 days, 2 weeks, 2 months. But not much more than that, I don't suppose. She's not in pain. Just tired out and still no food. They shaved even more hair off my poor dog.

I'm going to bed. :(